Maybe Someone's Listening...

Waking up at 3 in the morning in a cold sweat on a freezing morning because suddenly the thought of inadequacy, lack, and fear has grabbed hold of my mind really sucks. The idea that every moment is an opportunity to change my thinking while clutching a jagged rock that seems to be crumbling under the subconscious rhetoric filling my head that my faith isn’t enough. Yeah, it’s January.

Why is it, that around this same time every year, I look at the accomplishments of the 12 calendar months prior to this moment and question if what I have now is any better than what I had then? It’s always this point in time that I question if my needs and wants were fulfilled in 2012. And every time I look back at what was I can say is…Absolutely. If I’m expecting the same experience, without changing roller coasters, guess what? I’m going to go on the same ride each time. Sure I can sit in different seats, but the rails my car is riding on is still doing the same dead man’s drop, loop de loop and corkscrew.

So why is it that regret, fear, and self-judgment seem to overcome me at 3 in the morning? Could it be that when I lay myself down to sleep, and slumber in peace, that those unsound, ominous, beastly fears I’ve stuffed way down deep within the dark corners of my undisturbed mind claw their way into the forefront of my thoughts to test me on just how much of a handle I truly have on my life?

When those sleepless minutes hijack the hours of relaxation is there any way to push past the mirage of bullshit my mind decided to create without my permission?

Yeah, well, at least I’m not alone…There are millions of people who raise their heads from the month of December, take a deep breath, and just hope the fan doesn’t stop spinning because of all the shit that’s hit its blades. Why do I live this way? Why do I fall into the impersonal(ness) of resolutions and plant wishes, only to forget to water them? 

How can I better myself when I’m not ready to do the work? How do I decide to stand in line for a new ride?

Life doesn’t have to be so bleak. I don’t have to lose myself in what I thought I wanted to be. There is no shame in looking back and sliding my forearm across my dampened brow because I made it through another year.

Every morning I wake up to another day with a chance. I am given a new opportunity with the rise of the sun and the setting of the moon. My true freedom comes when I don’t squander my life living in guilt, fear, lack, or pain.

I was created in Peace, born in Love, conceived in Joy, reared in Happiness, and given the Abundance of the Universe. It is my birthright to embody these qualities. However, throughout the years of growing up I’ve let the world dictate how I was supposed to live. Now I must weed the garden of my mind, pluck the weeds of inadequacy, lack, pain, and fear and plant the seeds of Love. Dig holes in the rich soil of my thoughts and plant the bulbs of Prosperity, Happiness, and Peace. It is time I taste each moment given to me without preconceived ideas that it’s gonna be carnival food instead of a gourmet meal.

You know what I find helps me work through the hiccups of negative moments? I read (non-fiction). I take my books that encourage me, enlighten me, and envelope my soul with positive thinking and I read them. I highlight lessons; I scribble words in the margins, and paste post-its or dog-ear the pages I need to go back and re-read. I do what it takes to eradicate the negative thought from my mind.

There is NOTHING more powerful than a made up mind. There is nothing more powerful than the thoughts I put out into the Universe. NOTHING is more powerful than the moment I create an idea in my mind. I can tell you, before my feet even hit the floor I can feel what kind of day I am going to have. If I listen close enough, there is this immutable power within me that does exactly what I think into it. It is time to unbuckle from the roller coaster I’ve been on and choose another ride; one where I don’t know about the corkscrew ahead or the huge loop de loop.

It’s time I give up all the fears of inadequacy, lack, and disharmony. It is time to plant what I want to grow in my garden of life, take a ride on a roller coaster I’ve never been on, and surrender to the idea that the Universe will always supply everything I’ll ever need. I just need to listen and remember to buckle up for the ride, because it’s truly is wonderful when I can live my life immersed in Love, Joy, Peace, Abundance, and Harmony.

Thanks for hanging out and reading my ramblings.

Bah- Humbug

As you hustle and run around trying to make the holidays perfect for everyone around you, make sure you take time for yourself. It’s so easy to get caught up in the thought that we will disappoint someone if we don’t get them exactly what they want. Come hell or high water, I need that giggling Elmo for my niece. What we forget is material objects can’t replace you.

What people really want is to be talked to, remembered, and thought of. It isn’t the present that makes the impression; it’s the thought behind it that makes the mark.

I remember one Christmas my brother gave me a paper towel dispenser. It must not have cost more than ten bucks. But I will tell you, it was one of the best presents I got that year. He had taken notice that I didn’t have one for my kitchen. It wasn’t the paper towel holder that choked me up that year, it was the fact that he took the time and thought about me.

This time of year, we take moments that are fleeting and cling to them hoping love will fill our hearts and joy will be the excuse for warm songs around the fire. We want that connection that keeps us compassionate.

Truth is some of us dread this time of year. The demand to be something we may not be. This is the time we should stop and look at what it is that we value. Take a moment to breathe and step out of the hustle and cattle mentality of commercialism. Slip into a warm bath, visit with a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Take that walk in the rain with your children. Cuddle on the couch with your love and watch that movie you’ve been putting off. Slow your roll and see the vivid colors around you.

Don’t worry about tomorrow, it hasn’t come yet and yesterday is spent moments we can’t carry with us. Right now is a present given to us every second of the day!

Thanks for hanging out and reading my ramblings!

What is Our Purpose?

What is our purpose? Why are we doing…what it is that we’re doing? Is it a burning passion, a deep seeded obsession, maybe it’s a gripping vice, or as simple as a convenient habit? I’m not talking about what we do for a living, our jobs or hobbies…I’m talking about that unwavering intention we can’t seem to shake from our souls. No matter what happens around us, we can’t stop thinking about it; we can’t stop feeling the need to move toward the light of its discovery.

Whether it’s painting, writing, raising our children, or feeding the hungry, what motivates us to drag our battered bones across the finish line? Is it self-preservation or just plain ego? Or does it even matter?

We all come into this world as intention that grows within the womb of possibility. We are the ones that think the thoughts that birth the realities within our lives. It’s our swirling ideas that we allow to setup shop in our consciousness that creates our heavenly or hellish experience. It is the stories we cling to until our knuckles turn white or the superstitions we embody in order to keep people from knowing who we truly are, that create our bondage.

More times than not we’ve twisted conversations into “poor me-s” and “look at how bad I have it-s” in order to feel important, accepted, or empowered. We lost sight of our purpose before we even had a chance to realize we had the power to discover what our purpose was.

How fast the world would change if we came from the unconditional love within our hearts and true forgiveness when someone has forsaken us. Let’s face it, in order to love the world we must first love our place in it. We can’t embody peace if we are always walking around pissed off at the cat for scratching the couch or the kids for spilling red sport drinks on the cream carpet. We can’t come from happiness if we keep posting on the internet about someone who has hurt us. What stories are we fostering? What words and thoughts are we using to create our realities?

You see…in order for us to truly be free in this world, we must learn to live in freedom. In order to feel love we must come from love. We want closer friendships, so we must begin by being a close friend. Open our hearts and feel the greatness within every person we come across. If we need to change our financial situation—start by giving. Prosperity begets prosperous actions. Give first and all else shall be add upon you. Ask and you will receive, Seek and you shall find, knock and the door will opened.

The Universe is reciprocal; we see it in nature; the changing seasons, the rotation of the planets, and the life cycles of all living things. What goes around comes around in every aspect of existence. Whether we are talking man made experiences or natural phenomenon, life always finds a way to constantly produce. Purpose is the driving force in nature and everything has a purpose.

When we realize that there is something creative within us waiting for our discovery of it, life opens up and shows us the way. Unfortunately, most of us are too busy living in fear and listening to self-judgment. We are too caught up in believing we aren’t worthy or good enough. But once we move from that place of race consciousness or worldly beliefs, and we take a moment to silence our minds, we will realize our purpose has always been waiting patiently to be discovered.

Thanks for reading my ramblings…I am truly grateful for your visit!

Healthy Competition

I never think of myself as a competitive person, until I race my husband in go carts. Yeah even at 40 I want to win at a kid’s play thing. I don’t like to lose. Now is that healthy? Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. I will bump, crunch and sacrifice future rides of the day to win. Do I knock out the cute little kid getting to drive for the first time, or the father/son team that is joy riding around the track? You bet! Something clicks in my head and I turn into Danica Patrick. My jaw clenches, hands tighten to a painful ache and my heart pounds to a racer’s rhythm. I love me some competition.

But is that healthy? Is it healthy to win at all costs? Hells Yeah! (Not really) because two days later, I am still paying for it. Yeah that’s right~ two whole days later. I hear my son in the backseat whispering to his friend, “My mom is a crazy driver. She tailgated me and my dad until we spun out, she cheated.”

Okay, maybe I took the race thing a little too far for them, but I didn’t cheat! Hey, we all have times in life when we need to make people notice that we are right behind them pushing them to do better. Giving them the little nudge to tell them, they need to speed up or pull over. Sh*t or get off the pot, right? OK, so I nudged them and they just happen to spin out. Was that my fault? Who am I to judge? Maybe at that particular moment they hit an oil slick and it wasn’t all about my bumper tapping theirs.

Point is I liked the adrenalin rush it gave me to push past them. It felt good to do something better than someone else. It felt good to win. But what I realized was I didn’t like what it brought up in my son, the excuses for not winning, the name calling it created. Instead of saying good job, it was all the excuses to why they didn’t win. Grant it, he is only 7 years old and highly competitive, (he gets it all from his father) but it makes me wonder if I am raising a poor loser. Am I doing everything in my power to teach my boys that a big part of being successful is learning how to handle defeat, failure, and loss? Was I the most humble winner? Did I win gracefully? Not really, I bounced high out of the tiny go cart and whooped my arm in the air. I pointed to the sky with my finger and made sure they knew I was number 1. I didn’t win gracefully that day; I was the prime example of a cocky winner that I really didn’t want my kids to ever be.

It’s the aftermath we leave in our paths that tell us if we handled our successes and failures with grace, fortitude and honor. That day I didn’t. But at least I can learn from my foibles and not repeat them. Teach my sons to succeed with humility and fail with dignity. That is my responsibility in raising respectful, conscientious people. It starts with me, so I guess the next time I race them, I’ll have to win with humility.