Damn it, I woke up this morning in a panic. It just crept up on me. I was minding my own business when it blind-sided me into-- freaking out. Deep breaths, visualization, anything to get it to dissolve back into the place from where it came. Nothing a little sorcery, coffee, and a horoscope couldn’t fix.
Let me rewind, last night one of my good friends read my story, Wilson Mooney, to me. I like to hear it out loud, so I can experience how people read it. See if it makes sense, right? Well, she read the revised chapters 17 and 18. Now some of you haven’t seen the book, so let me just say it is a pivotal point in the story where Wilson and Max (her government teacher)... how do I say it…um, well… let me just put it out there- they hook up, but not in an all the way hook up (pretty darn close though).
I know, I know, but come on- He is this totally gorgeous guy, who’s older, smart, and sensitive to Wilson’s inexperience. How could I deny her someone like that? Anyway, work with me here.
So my good friend was reading the story to me, and I was feeling pretty good about the flow and timing. It was making sense, and with the exception of some awkward phrases and words that tend to be repeated, I think she was able to visualize what she was reading. I knew I wasn’t done with my edits, by any means, but I felt like I had made some progress. I came home pretty late and went to bed confident my book wasn’t crap.
Now let me fast-forward, I wake up this morning with a complete 180 of emotions. Suddenly, I wasn’t good enough and everyone who has read it must be lying to me, they just didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Publishable? Not even! (Get my mood?)
**Disclosure** I know this is just a feeling I happen to be having at a particular moment in my life, and I’m not telling you this to get sympathy comments.
Negative creeper feelings suck! They thrive on bullying your positive emotions and beating them into submission. NCF’s (Negative Creeper Feelings) work to convince you that your positive flowing thoughts (PFT’s) of accomplishments are dirty little whores that only want one thing from you, space in your mind. I know NCF’s are born from all the doubts that pluck at you until you’re willing to hand over the belief in yourself on a golden platter of self doubt.
I write this today to convince myself and warn other positive self believers- we need understand where our NCF’s are and keep them at a safe distance. Don’t embrace and coddle them or feed their insatiable appetite for negative attention, but file them away in a safe place. There will be a time when they decide to creep into our consciousness and we will need to hammer them back with our dependable club of self-assurance. We need to tell them they have no place in our minds and to crawl back into the dark vacuous hole they came from. We need to keep our eyes on the prize.
*Note to self: Apple seeds- grow apple trees, tulip bulbs- grow tulips, facts that are undeniable and nobody can argue. So I ask myself, what am I planting in the garden of my mind? And where did I happen to leave that dependable club?