Scintilla Prompt #4 Talk About Your Childhood Bedroom.

Alright, wow I would have to talk about my bedroom when I was 11 years old; the same room I picked when my parents moved one house down the street. Yeah, you heard me right. My parents bought the house next door.

I remember running up the stairs and flinging the door open. The royal blue carpet that greeted me made me feel like I finally had arrived. The brilliant white walls called to my Tiger Beat and Seventeen centerfolds. A milk glass globe clung to the ceiling. The Brady Bunch had nothing on my room. But what made this room the best was…it was mine; I didn’t have to share it with my brother! Finally I got to have a room where only girl stuff was on the ground. No football gear or smelly brothers allowed! 

With only one window, it was the perfect room for a young girl who loved New Wave and Pop music. It was my canvas to plaster huge posters of Culture Club and Kajagoogoo. It was the creative collage of EVERY picture from my Teen Beat and Bop magazines. Centerfolds angled the walls of every popular 80’s band pose. By the time my masterpiece was complete years later, every inch of white walls and ceiling were covered. It was perfect for a teenage girl smack dab in the middle of the 80’s with parachute pants and multicolored Chuck Taylors. God I loved my room!

My room hugged me through the years of not feeling like I belonged, broken crushes, and eventually the end of my parent’s marriage. The walls absorbed my secrets and listened to my stories without interruption. My room was my comfort when I didn’t understand the world and my sanctuary where I first learned how to meditate. It’s where I would sing at the top of my lungs and dance until I was out of breath. It was perfect and it was mine!

Eventually we moved, I remember it took days to take down every poster and picture. I remember methodically cutting the tape from the corners and carefully filing every magazine picture and centerfolds in manila folders so they wouldn’t stick together. I collected them and stored them in a box labeled Gretchen’s Memories.

Funny, 20 years later I still have that box. I have no doubt I could climb up into my attic and find it. Stored away from my grown-up world, and still patiently waiting for me to come back and whisper to them how everything worked out.

Thanks for hanging out and sharing in my memories. I’ll write you tomorrow~

Sunday's bonus prompt: #Scintilla Your Impossible Dream...

Sunday's bonus prompt: What is one massively impossible dream you've always had?

I always wanted to be a white bangle tiger. They are beautiful, graceful and powerful. They are rare and highly valuable. But being a vegetarian and not really one to hunt and kill other things, I knew it was a massively impossible dream for me.

Aside from defying nature, I don’t think there are impossible dreams, only impossible beliefs. Think about it, how many of us dreamed of becoming dancers, singers, writers, or athletes? When we were children too small to reach the knobs on the sink; we dreamed of becoming something amazing, something valuable and beautiful. We had it all planned out right?

Then what happened….

We started to listen to the naysayers, and realists. We started to believe their words carried power over our dreams and so we stopped thinking them, we stopped dreaming of who we could become and started acting like what we thought everyone else wanted us to be. We became too embarrassed to say out loud what our dreams were, because people would judge us, tell us it was impossible. We began to let doubt and fear seep into our lives.

Sure some people would do it to protect our feelings; others said it because they’ve been conditioned to believe in limited thinking. But somewhere in the scheme of our lives, we began to believe in the fear of failure and the thought of impossibility and right there is where our impossible dreams were born. Right there is where we let Race Consciousness dictate our lives to us.

Now how do we change the limited belief that we’ve allowed to take root in our belief system? We must begin to change our minds about them.

I’m not saying at 40+ years old I can go out and become a professional dancer, nor do I want to. But as adults we have dreams. We have goals we want to obtain, beliefs we want to change, limited thinking we could do without. If we can begin to see the greatness in the world instead of the despair around us our lives would change.

Let go of the fear of judgment and failure and begin to embrace the immeasurable possibilities within you. So what if the first time you don’t get it right, who cares…What’s gonna happen? So you fall down, skin a couple knees. Get back up and do it again. Change your approach, work from the deep core belief that anything is possible. 

Find those people around you who want to see you succeed and be grateful for them. Stand in the light of your own discovery and let the dreams flood over you. Then and only then will you really see what your true dreams are.

Thanks for checking out my post, and I’ll write you tomorrow~

#Scintilla Prompt #3 What Song Brings Back Memories for Me!

Scintilla Prompt #3. Talk about a memory triggered by a particular song.

BadGirls, by Donna Summers. HELLO, every time I hear this song, I think about the time April (one of my BFF’s) and I came up with a dance routine. OMG, we worked all summer on a dance for this song; GEEZ, I don’t think we were anything close to 11 years old. I remember working on this particular move where we hopped and landed on our heels as we made our way in a circle. It was serious, we were going to Hollywood, and if we didn’t get that move the whole dance was ruined. The pressure was ON.

I remember being jealous because April’s mom had Donna Summers on Vinyl (okay I know I’m dating myself here. But listen up Whipper-Snappers, I used to save up all my money from collecting Pepsi Light glass soda bottles until I had enough $. Full albums cost a lot back then. Just for a point of reference, I think I paid $12 for Kajagoogoo’s debut album). OMG totally dating myself here.

But anyway let me digress. I grew up in Ukiah, (U Know It’s All Here) a small Northern California town where nobody locked their doors, kids would play until the sun stopped dancing on the rooftops and if you got in trouble, everyone would know by the next morning.

I grew up in a time where video games were known as pinball machines and in order to play them you’d have to truck down to Thrifty’s with a friend and the couple of quarters you earned raking your elderly neighbor’s yard. Payphones were everywhere and candy bars were just a quarter. Microwaves were for the wealthy along with VCR’s (those were machines that attached to your TV so you could play movies).

It was a simpler time, (no I didn’t walk barefoot to school, uphill in the snow-both ways) we didn’t know what a computer was, the internet was 20 years away from being invented by Al Gore and you actually had to dial a phone. Cell phone—what was that?

God—now that I think about it, I am surprised I survived my childhood.

Times have changed I tell you. Oh man—I am starting to sound like the generation before us who thought we were all going to hell in a hand basket. Consequently, we didn’t end up in hell; but we did end up with the Internet!

I think back to the music I listened to and how it brings back the different experiences in my life, and I truly feel lucky to have the innocence of a time when I thought Bad Girls was a song about a sad girl hailing a cab ride for 10 cents. 

HEY MISTA, YOU GOT A DIME? …HEY MISTA DO YOU WANNA SPEND SOME TIME? …I GOT WHAT YOU WANT IF YOU GOT WHAT I NEED….I’LL BE YOUR BABY CUZ YOU SPEND IT ON ME. TOOT, TOOT, HEY, BEEP, BEEP.

Goes to show you what I know… I’ll write you tomorrow~ I promise!

Prompt 2 #Scintilla Project, When I Grew Up

Second prompt for the Scintilla Project is….

When did you realize you were grown up?

Is that what they call it—a grown up? Heck I thought I was in the chapter of my life called, “Don’t Let Them See You Sweat.”

Okay, seriously—I believe where you focus your mental moments becomes the tangible experiences in your life. Let’s face it; some situations create the vibration that casts shadows across our age. I’ve dealt with death, birth and taxes; all experiences everyone equates with adulthood and yet there are days I feel like flinging myself down against the wax-less linoleum and screaming for my mommy.

Sure I could choose the day I got married, the day we bought our home, or the birth of our first son but I don’t know if those were really moments of “ah-ha” or “Oh Shit.” Moments that are BIG like that tend to send me to a place in my head that blurs the event until I can take a breath and reflect on it.

So I had to take some time and ponder the idea of being cognitive of when I became a grown-up. If I truly had to pinpoint an event that sparked the “ah-ha” moment of when I realized I was an adult, it would have to be the time I sat down several years ago and wrote a short essay about losing my mother-in-law. Who would have thought 1,300 words that poured from my mind would record a moment so poignant in my life. The day she died, I didn’t think about being a grown up. It was years later when I realized the magnitude of her death and the impact it was going to have on my children; that was the day I truly understood what it was like to be a grown up.

So in the spirit of the prompt, and letting you into my moment of realization, below is an excerpt from my essay, “The Day I Grew Up.”

It wasn’t long before they transferred her to the ICU and we were allowed to see her again.  The four of us stood silently, listening to her life song beeping with new elaborate tones.  I watched as her brood clung tight to their faith.  All surreal; all living that moment in a dazed fog that enveloped the entire room.  We watched as the nurse pushed the buttons on the machines; each ending their part they played in an intricate song we came accustom to hearing.  All ending to the last accordion forced breaths—then silence.  Our cries rose and became the applause to a life we gave a standing ovation.

It wasn’t until years later did I recognize the gaping hole left by the loss of a parent; the real hole.  I knew she wouldn’t be at our sons’ birthdays or weddings.  She won’t see the milestones we all will take for granted.  I deeply grieve the loss of her presence.  It was when I realized that my three sons were not going to have the example of how Edgar treated his mother—that’s what keeps creating the gaping hole.  The way he cared for her, always kissed her goodbye, bantered back and forth, and teased her.  The simple framework that was laid in place—now lost to my boys and forever locked in an emotional vault of memories we can barely cling to.  That was the day I grew up.  The day I understood that it had now become my responsibility to teach our boys the way to their mother’s heart.  The way their father did so naturally to hers.

When I stumble upon conversations  women have about their mother-in-laws filled with distain or frustration, I always think of the space and unconditional love she gave Edgar and me and I quietly thank the universe for how lucky I was to have had her and grieve for the example my boys will never get to see again.

To Edgar’s mom, my sweet mother-in-law, I never got a chance to tell you that day, how much I love you.  You are truly missed!

The day I wrote this, was the day I realized I was an adult. Thanks Scintilla for making me stretch!

Thank you all for reading and I’ll write you tomorrow~ I promise!

Who am I? The Scintilla Project #1

The Scintilla Project is an opportunity opened for bloggers to write on a prompt given daily for a two week period. I decided to check it out after one of my fellow blogging friend posted about it. So of course being who I am—I decided in the flash of a moment and the speed of my fingers clicking the keys that I would like to be a part of this opportunity. So thank you Jennifer Lopez for posting it on your Facebook and I am happy to give this a try! Oh and BTW, those of you who are used to getting only one email feed a week from my blog you will now get one a day for the next two weeks. YAY!

So the prompts for today were:

1. Who are you?

2. Life is a series of firsts. Talk about one of your most important firsts. What did you learn? Was it something you incorporated into your life as a result?

Well so I thought about it and anybody who knows me…really knows me, knows everything about me is perfectly pinned on my sleeve. No hidden compartments, or secret plots to gain control of anyone/thing. Everything’s dangling from my 70% cotton t-shirt. I’ve never been who could origami my emotions into perfect folds of little frogs or beautiful swans; it’s just too many steps to remember. I never liked pink, always thought being a princess was passé and I’m a vegetarian who eats fish and truly doesn’t like to cook.

I could blame it on being taught from an early age to be my own person. Don’t conform to the world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

I grew up with two older brothers, and yeah I had every excuse to play the princess, hell I was the baby girl they all (even my brothers) wanted. But the idea of fingernail polish and ribbons in my hair when the world was waiting for me to discover it was unthinkable.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, even when we don’t know what the reason is. I believe I married the man I did because the Universe knew I needed someone who was easy going, loving, and accepting. I believe when we started our family, the guy upstairs looked at me and said, “Let’s makes sure we give this one, all boys.” (Thanks God) And I am a writer, because at 40 something I finally know it’s what I am supposed to be.

And as far as the second prompt about my firsts? Oh heck, I have so many firsts so let me just keep it simple. My first kiss, keeps me kissing because it’s renewing; my first hug, keeps me hugging because it heals; and for the record, my first “time” didn’t happen with my government teacher. But that’s a topic for another post!

Thanks for hanging out and I’ll write you tomorrow~

Learn to Trust Again

There comes a point in everyone’s life where they finally realize that they’ll never have IT all figured out. There are things we’ll never understand and things we don’t ever want to understand. Hey, let’s own it and be okay with where we are!

I am beginning to understand that each and every person in this world is a perfect expression of life. From the feeblest of minded to the truly enlightened; each brings something to this world that creates every life experience.

Let me explain….

When we choose to live from the outside in, instead of the other way around, we set up the consciousness to become feeble minded. In fact we begin to lose sight of our authentic self until we cease to recognize the creative greatness that lies just below the dithering façade we created.

It isn’t the bigger house, the nicer car, the better clothes that make us whole. It isn’t prudent to place any value in things that can be gone in a heartbeat. Those things will come and go as our consciousness changes. We can’t stop that train from coming; it barrels down the tracks without any forethought to who’s crossing or what obstacles are sprawled across the tracks ahead; its motion is definite and with intention; just like our purpose.

What perpetuates our apparent weakness laden with judgment, hate, lack and fear is our belief in the idea that we are separate from our source. We strap our faith to worldly things and bodily conditions and wonder why our life is spiraling out of control. Instead of allowing the illimitable power of the Universe to elevate us, we keep waiting for someone else to come along and do it.

That’s all fine and dandy for someone who wants to blame the world for where they are and what is going on in their life; but we know that isn’t the truth.

The truth is straightforward~ if there is something going on in your life that you don’t like, don’t want or isn’t what you expected, change your thought about it. Simple as that; you want peace in your life, treat people around you peacefully, more love comes to you when you are more loving to everyone around you. Prosperity and abundance shows up when you first give without constraint.

You want to be elevated? Take a moment to be grateful. From grateful hearts peace is born. The sun shines on everyone equally. It doesn’t have volition, it just is. It’s the same principle with the truth about you. You have an inalienable right to live your life filled with Joy, Peace, Love and Prosperity. So give much before you receive any. Stop judgmental thoughts before they are spoken. Listen often to the silence that screams the answers. It is the space between the words that births the most creative thinking.

And above all…learn to trust yourself again.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.