Waking up at 3 in the morning in a cold sweat on a freezing
morning because suddenly the thought of inadequacy, lack, and fear has grabbed
hold of my mind really sucks. The idea that every moment is an opportunity to change
my thinking while clutching a jagged rock that seems to be crumbling under the
subconscious rhetoric filling my head that my faith isn’t enough. Yeah, it’s
January.
Why is it, that around this same time every year, I look at
the accomplishments of the 12 calendar months prior to this moment and question
if what I have now is any better than what I had then? It’s always this point
in time that I question if my needs and wants were fulfilled in 2012. And every
time I look back at what was I can say is…Absolutely. If I’m expecting the same
experience, without changing roller coasters, guess what? I’m going to go on
the same ride each time. Sure I can sit in different seats, but the rails my
car is riding on is still doing the same dead man’s drop, loop de loop and
corkscrew.
So why is it that regret, fear, and self-judgment seem to
overcome me at 3 in the morning? Could it be that when I lay myself down to
sleep, and slumber in peace, that those unsound, ominous, beastly fears I’ve
stuffed way down deep within the dark corners of my undisturbed mind claw their
way into the forefront of my thoughts to test me on just how much of a handle I
truly have on my life?
When those sleepless minutes hijack the hours of relaxation is
there any way to push past the mirage of bullshit my mind decided to create without
my permission?
Yeah, well, at least I’m not alone…There are millions of
people who raise their heads from the month of December, take a deep breath, and
just hope the fan doesn’t stop spinning because of all the shit that’s hit its
blades. Why do I live this way? Why do I fall into the impersonal(ness) of resolutions
and plant wishes, only to forget to water them?
How can I better myself when I’m
not ready to do the work? How do I decide to stand in line for a new ride?
Life doesn’t have to be so bleak. I don’t have to lose
myself in what I thought I wanted to be. There is no shame in looking back and
sliding my forearm across my dampened brow because I made it through another
year.
Every morning I wake up to another day with a chance. I am
given a new opportunity with the rise of the sun and the setting of the moon. My
true freedom comes when I don’t squander my life living in guilt, fear, lack,
or pain.
I was created in Peace, born in Love, conceived in Joy, reared
in Happiness, and given the Abundance of the Universe. It is my birthright to
embody these qualities. However, throughout the years of growing up I’ve let the
world dictate how I was supposed to live. Now I must weed the garden of my mind,
pluck the weeds of inadequacy, lack, pain, and fear and plant the seeds of
Love. Dig holes in the rich soil of my thoughts and plant the bulbs of
Prosperity, Happiness, and Peace. It is time I taste each moment given to me
without preconceived ideas that it’s gonna be carnival food instead of a gourmet
meal.
You know what I find helps me work through the hiccups of negative
moments? I read (non-fiction). I take my books that encourage me, enlighten me,
and envelope my soul with positive thinking and I read them. I highlight lessons;
I scribble words in the margins, and paste post-its or dog-ear the pages I need
to go back and re-read. I do what it takes to eradicate the negative thought
from my mind.
There is NOTHING more powerful than a made up mind. There is
nothing more powerful than the thoughts I put out into the Universe. NOTHING is
more powerful than the moment I create an idea in my mind. I can tell you,
before my feet even hit the floor I can feel what kind of day I am going to
have. If I listen close enough, there is this immutable power within me that
does exactly what I think into it. It is time to unbuckle from the roller
coaster I’ve been on and choose another ride; one where I don’t know about the
corkscrew ahead or the huge loop de loop.
It’s time I give up all the fears of inadequacy, lack, and
disharmony. It is time to plant what I want to grow in my garden of life, take
a ride on a roller coaster I’ve never been on, and surrender to the idea that
the Universe will always supply everything I’ll ever need. I just need to
listen and remember to buckle up for the ride, because it’s truly is wonderful
when I can live my life immersed in Love, Joy, Peace, Abundance, and Harmony.
Thanks for hanging out and reading my ramblings.
